It’s weird to think that in just a few months I’m going to be 22 years old; I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I’m 21 now. And a few months after I turn 22 life is going to look so different. But that’s how I felt when I was 15 years old. I couldn’t even imagine where I’m at now. When I was 15 daydreaming about 21-year-old me, I thought she was going to be at a different college, living on campus, making friends and going out on the weekends. I thought she was going to become a social butterfly. You know what? I’m none of those things. And I love it.
I thought I wanted those things because that’s what was surrounding me. That’s what my friends were talking about, that’s what people on social media were doing, and that’s what I thought I had to be. The truth is, I don’t like socializing for hours on end, parties make me anxious and quite frankly they just don’t interest me. Sometimes it feels like I’m a 40-year-old trapped in a 21-year-old body. It’s like I went from being six to 40 without that in-between. Most of the time that doesn’t bother me, but other times it does.
For example, I was in a conversation where the other person was talking about drinking games and I felt dumb because I had no idea what they were talking about. They had to take time to explain it to me and even then, I either didn’t get it or see the point.
And I’ve felt that when it comes to my clothes too…
I talked about branching out in my style in my t-shirt and skirt post. And it felt silly at first. How can clothes make someone feel more confident or themselves? It seemed materialistic and trivial. But it really isn’t, clothes, makeup, tattoos, hair, and accessories are all different ways of expressing ourselves outwardly. However, what are some of the things that people first notice and make snarky comments on when they first see someone…their clothes, makeup, tattoos, etc. So, for those of us who aren’t confident, we tend to shrink ourselves to fit in. To make people like us so we never have to hear those mean comments again.
I did that. I did that when I wanted to fit in with my friends in high school. So, I dressed with less femininity, tighter clothes, and a lot of black. And no one bothered to tell me that all that heavy black makeup made me look like a fool. I did that when I dated my first real boyfriend. So, I dressed less “basic”, more neutrals, and what I would describe as dull. When I started to understand what Feminism was and that it was something I felt passionate about, people told me how I dressed – which was feminine – and my dreams – being a mother one day – wasn’t feminist. So, I changed.
I changed but something still felt off…
But when I lost those friends, got dumped, spent time on my own, did a lot of thinking, and found my person is when I went back. I went back to adding color to my wardrobe because all white, black, gray, and taupe was boring me. I still wear those colors but now I want to add a little bit of color to those outfits. My love of florals came blossoming back and now you have to convince me to not buy something with flowers on it. I started buying things that were flowier because tight is no-go now. And pink. Pink came pouring back into my life and it felt so good. I guess you could say yesterday my life was duller and now everything’s technicolor (get it?)
My femininity came shining back through me. It sort of felt like what you see on TV and movies when the light beams come out of the person’s chest when they’re evolving or gaining their superpowers. Maybe my superpower is my femininity.
Femininity and pink don’t make you any less of a feminist
I was stupid to ever let anyone tell me that how I dressed contradicted with my beliefs. Heck, I would march in the Women’s March in a dress and cute shoes. I love the feminine style. Pastels and flowers are the clothes I gravitate to most and they make me happy. Sundresses and rompers keep me cool in the summer and they make me feel effortlessly beautiful – and comfortable. Pink is girly! But who cares? There’s nothing wrong with that. After all, it’s literally just a color.
When I was little, and probably like most little girls, I grew up playing house, kitchen, mommy, Barbies, and had pink everything. But that never made me feel like I had to be a homemaker or raise children or like I belonged in the kitchen because I am a woman. I want to be a mother because that’s why I feel like I was placed on this Earth. I believe that I am here to raise children that will move mountains and bring their unique light and kindness to fill this planet.
That doesn’t mean that I want to be a “barefoot and pregnant” or “happy homemaker”. In fact, those titles irritate me. If we are going to lift women up, why are we going to make other women feel small at the same time? That’s certainly not what I am here for. I want to be a mother, but I also want to be a creator. I can be both and I don’t have to choose.
Romper: originally from Forever 21 | Cardigan and sandals: originally from Charlotte Russe
This is who I am, and I shouldn’t need to explain myself anymore
I like dressing up and playing around with my makeup. And I like documenting it. I like being able to create pictures that I love and that really captures who I am to share with you guys. So, if someone says, “you look dressed up” or “oh, is it time for a photoshoot?”, I have to think of it as nothing more than a passing comment. I know I’m not vain – I mean you should see me as I’m writing this: day 3 hair thrown into a haphazard bun and wearing the same clothes I had on as the day before. And I know that I’m not a materialistic, shallow, or superficial person. What I am is a person who likes to wear cute clothes that make me feel good and to simply create.
I have wasted too much of my life caring about what people think of me or if I was being feminist enough. Once I realized that being a feminist was in my thoughts, actions, and words and not what I wear, it felt freeing. I’m also not saying that femininity is all pastels and florals. Femininity looks different for each person that lives that style. We are all unique and have our own individuality that will make a style just different enough to make our own. And this is mine.
Embrace your style. Please don’t let other’s put you in a box they want you in. Break that box down with your unique light. Wear what makes you comfortable and what empowers you.
I’m a girly-girl. I love pink. Femininity is what makes me feel beautiful. I love pastels and flowers. I feel that my reason for being is to be a mom. And none of those things make me any less of a feminist.
I like creating more style posts, but I can’t directly link half the things in my closet because they’re years old. To be honest, I haven’t been purchasing new clothes in a while frankly because your girl needs to save money and I did quite a bit of damage two summers ago with some retail therapy. But I try to link similar pieces the best that I can find!
So, what would you describe your style as? Have you ever experienced shrinking yourself from who you want to be just to make others comfortable? Let’s talk about it in the comments!