This Bachelorette recap week 5 is brought to you by utter disbelief that Luke P. is a human. Basketball delayed the episode from airing last night, thanks to ABC. On this week’s episode, the battle of the Lukes came to an end, someone sent themselves home, there were a lot of steamy make-out sessions, and Luke P. gave me a headache. So, let’s get into it…
Now, Where Were We…?
Last we were left off on a To Be Continued when Hannah grabbed both of the Lukes to talk to. She basically gives them a therapy session. Luke S. starts talking about how he feels and Hannah tells him to tell Luke P. and not her. The Lukes end up talking circles and nonsense to the point where Hannah just leaves without saying anything. Did they even notice? Probably not. Also, Luke P. lies a lot and denies a lot of what he said but does he know he’s being recording almost 24/7?
Chris Harrison ends up coming to grab the two to bring them back to the group. He announces that the cocktail party is over and the rose ceremony will begin soon. The rest of the guys are mad because their time was cut short because Luke P. once again made the night all about him. Luke P. goes to give another nonsensical speech and begins it with something along the lines of he knows they don’t want to hear from him, and he’s right! The men cut him off and tell basically yeah, we don’t so don’t.
Just before Hannah gives out the first rose, Luke S. asks if it’s okay for him to talk to her real quick. She hesitates for a moment but agrees. They go out into the hallway and he apologizes for all the drama but does give her one more warning to watch out for Luke P. They hug and he sends himself home. Was it a power move? Or was it kinda lame of him to dip out like that? Either way, Harrison had to take away a rose from the stack which means Hannah was going to keep him.
My favorite thing is though that literally no other guy is on Luke P.’s side, even though normally the villain does have at least one kind of friend for a while, once Luke S. leaves Garrett says to Luke P., “good job, Luke P, I hope that’s what you wanted, buddy.” We are here for it and it’s hilarious.
Who left: Luke S. (on his own terms), John Paul Jones, and Matteo
Big Mike is a Big Mood
They pack their bags to leave from Rhode Island and they were off to Scotland. Luke P. spews more nonsense about being yourself that no one asked for and all the guys weren’t having it. I mean Jed even called him “the Luke-ness Monster”. Hilarious? Yes. But they said it a lot throughout the episode.
Anyways, Hannah meets the guys in some bar or restaurant and grabs Mike to start a one-on-one. They go around to a sweet shop, an old bookstore, and Hannah ends up trying Haggis. She said in an ITM that he makes her feel comfortable enough to be herself. Mike has the purest and genuine smile and it’s too precious. He tells her he wants to be around her more and more and that he can’t stop smiling when he’s with her. Then he called her “my darling” and I’m a sucker for pet names so I loved it.
During the dinner portion, he talks about how he hasn’t loved anyone in a half a decade because of his last heartbreak in 2015. Mike actually asks her to talk about herself. It was really nice because no one seems to really ask her that. She opens up about her past about living from man to man. Mike says that he is scared to get his heart broken again but he can see himself down on one knee in a few weeks. He shared his heart with Hannah and it was so sweet and a nice break from the drama. They end the night at a Scottish party. If he doesn’t win Hannah’s heart, he’s winning all of America’s and I want to see him as the next Bachelor.
I am Husband Material, Hear Me Roar
The group date was amazing. I actually had a fun time watching it and enjoyed it. It was relaxing and nice to watch a date where everyone was having fun, no one got hurt, and there was no drama. But of course, Luke P. had to make it a little bit about him when the group date card came. He kept saying he’s been wanting a one-on-one with Hannah the past few weeks, so he finally gets one and his story starts to change again. Luke P. said he isn’t sure if he wants to be here anymore. And then Mike confronts him later about it and it was deny, deny, deny from Luke P. saying he never said those things. Whatever.
Back to the fun group date of Scottish games. So, the guys had to compete doing battle cries, ax throwing, running with milk buckets on their shoulders, and what looks like wrestling but not really. They were all surprisingly terrible at throwing the axes and Hannah was the only one that made it onto the target, but she was standing a lot closer to it than they were.
The highland games begin and it was hilarious and fun. Tyler ends up actually making his ax onto the target. Jed pours milk over him and it was hot but also you know he smelled horrible the rest of the time. When it comes time for Jed to pin someone down, he says he wants to be pinned by the queen – Hannah – and she does and they kiss. Jed ends up winning the overall competition.
Later that night…
During the evening portion of the date, it was making out on the chair, pool table, and bed. The woman was getting it and we are here for it. It was really funny when Peter was trying to be smooth about lifting her up onto the pool table but ended up hitting her head on the light and then his head. It reminded me of when Ross and Phoebe make out on the pool table in the flashback episode and it was a mess.
Hannah does mention that she can’t help but notice how well the date went without Luke P.
I Want to Give You Clarity By Not Giving it to You
Luke P. goes to leave for his date by telling the other guys that he is leaving and it’s the most awkward and uncomfortable thing to watch. He thinks that this date is going to go so great…sure Jan. Garrett tells him to be a man and keep their names out of his mouth and Luke P. says he will. But do we trust Luke P.? Absolutely not.
Hannah says in her ITM, she lists literally every red flag Luke P. is waving and somehow still seems conflicted. It’s frustrating to watch but at the same time, I feel for Hannah. He is manipulating her and lying to her to the point where she feels like she likes him but it’s not a genuine or healthy relationship and it’s just hard for her to see that because of how he presents himself to her.
Their date is on a hill overlooking the water with a picnic. He says he doesn’t want to talk about the past few weeks but asks her if she has any remaining questions about him. Obviously, she does. Did it make any sense? Nope! All he did was lie, talk in circles, and not give her any answers. And he does not keep any names out of his mouth, sorry Garrett. Oh, and apparently Luke P. hates talking about himself but also everywhere he has ever been his whole life people love him! There is not a single person he has ever encountered that does not like him! Wow!
Clarity! Am I giving you clarity? Is that clear?
Hannah is asking him literally anything to get him to open up. To talk about how he feels. The guy can literally not comprehend the word. Hannah walks away to talk to a producer. The woman literally asks them to explain to him what feelings mean. He isn’t really answering her questions but keeps saying that he wants to give her clarity. She tells the producers she thinks the emotions are what’s missing from him and I don’t know that sounds like part of the psychopath definition.
So, then we move onto the dinner portion of the date. Hannah flat out says that this date was terrible. He tries to turn this around on her saying he feels like he’s on thin ice with her. Luke P. basically is gaslighting her. Then he says that he loves everything about her, even her flaws. Like, of course, you better love her flaws if you claim to love her. But also he loves everything? He knows like eight things about her. Then he tries to say he doesn’t have any flaws? I don’t even know any more at this point.
I’ve watched this date twice. It was half an hour long filled with nonsense and I still can’t comprehend what he is trying to say half the time.
Clarity/clear count: about 8 times
To Be Continued
There is no cocktail party or rose ceremony tonight.
And once again, we were hit with a “To Be Continued” and no rose ceremony. Is she actually sending Luke P. home? Who knows! He was shown at the end of the previews for next week praying on his knees in a church, so there’s that. I’m also really sad that the iconic mood that is John Paul Jones was sent home. But I’m sure he will be in Paradise later this summer.
My top five still stands as Mike, Jed, Tyler, Connor, and Peter. Other than Luke P., this is the most solid group of guys since Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season and that’s just facts.
No spoilers here but if you want to see who is speculated to be in paradise you can read that here. I have a lot of opinions on it but like I said, I won’t give spoilers here and I don’t even know if this is all 100% true, so I won’t bore you with my rants.