I’m a very particular person. I like to have my space a certain way otherwise it affects my mood. When it comes to people I let into my life, I’m picky. I don’t like to have a lot of friends just for the sake of saying I have a lot of friends. After my first heartbreak, it made me reflect on that relationship and the little ones I had before that one. I realized I have been settling for good enough. I didn’t cut people off because the relationship felt good enough. They were nothing too terrible, but they also weren’t terribly exciting. It was kind of like, “you’re a cool person and you think I’m pretty okay so let’s hangout for months”. But looking back and even looking back at journal entries from those times in my life, I always wanted something more.
I became that weirdo girl who had my 5-year plan down to a T and even created a checklist (that I still have somewhere) about what I wanted from the ideal man I would one day meet and marry. I got that idea from Andi Dorfman’s It’s Not Okay book which is fantastic and you definitely worth the read if you’re going through heartbreak or just love The Bachelorette drama. There was no way I was going to make myself small anymore about what I wanted out of life and a partner. I’m always the type of person who accommodates myself for others. But no one seems to do that for me, so why am I living my life like that? It’s so crazy to think about and honestly, I’m still like that in other aspects of my life because it’s just who I am as a person.
How I discovered the magic of the importance 5 Love Languages
When I was in the healing part of my heartbreak, I started I kept seeing things about The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman on social media. I decided to Google it and found the test to take. What I love about this is that it’s not just for couples learning to communicate better. You learn how you receive love through the single’s quiz and they also have a child and teenager one. That makes me really excited and I can’t wait to utilize that as a parent one day to have a stronger and deeper connection with my children.
This topic seems to be so prominent now that I thought this was a relatively new idea, but when I searched to see when the book was published I was stunned to find out it came out in 1995. Although I haven’t gotten around to reading the actual book yet, I’ve taken the quiz a handful of times and done quite a bit of research on it because I think it’s incredible.
A few weeks into when my boyfriend and I first started dating, I made him take this quiz. There was no way that I was going to go through not communicating feelings again. I knew there was something special about this man, so I was and still am willing to do anything to keep our relationship strong – even if it’s uncomfortable. But I’m also very stubborn so it’s helpful when the other person (like my boyfriend) sometimes drags the problem out of me when I’m being difficult.
My Love Languages Ranked
Physical Touch 9
Quality Time 9
Words of Affirmation 9
Acts of Service 3
Receiving Gifts 0
I can be quite a needy person so it wasn’t really a surprise to me when three of the five love languages were tied. Some of mine can be hard to fulfill as well because even though my boyfriend and I aren’t technically long distance since we live about an hour away from each other, but we do only see each other 2-3 times a week.
So, why are these so important?
The 5 Love Languages are important because it opens the pathway to better communication. My relationship now is the healthiest one that I have ever been in and it’s due to the fact that we took the time to find out what our love languages are and implementing them. Now, that’s not to say we don’t argue or get annoyed with each other because we definitely do – all couples do.
I know I can be dramatic, stubborn, and slightly insecure at times, but that’s human. What doesn’t hinder our relationship is that we don’t let those arguments or disagreements fester and turn into big blowout arguments. Sometimes we fix the problem right then and there and other times we take a time-out to calm down before going back to talk about it. Again, I’m not saying we’re perfect or that I’m a relationship expert because I’m not, we’ve just learned what works for us and in turn, I hope to help someone else out with what I’ve learned.
It’s about making a conscious effort…
When you find out what your love languages are you know how to treat yourself and you know how you want others to treat you. My boyfriend has a similar ranking to mine but not completely. So, when you know your love language in a relationship make sure you learn how your partner receives love. How you receive/show love may not be how your partner does. What tends to happen when partners have different dominant love languages, is that partner A will give love the way they receive love and vice versa.
For example, let’s say partner A’s dominant love language is words of affirmation and partner B’s dominant love language is quality time. Partner A might be affirming their partner all day and using positive talk, but partner B could be feeling upset because that’s not how they receive love. Therefore, partner A would have to spend more quality time with partner B and partner B would be using positive affirmations to partner A. So, it’s really about learning how your partner receives love and making the conscious effort to be implementing that each day.
When both partners in a relationship feel like their “love-meter” is full, both are happy which makes for a happy relationship.
Let’s break it down visually
This can be a lot to take in, and I get that! I was very overwhelmed by this whole idea a few years ago. And now, it’s something that I am passionate about and believe in so much. So, I broke down each love language with examples of how to put each language into practice:
The goal of this post was to share my passion about love and communication and explain how my boyfriend and I make our relationship work, what we do or don’t do probably won’t work for everyone – and that’s okay! I just hope this doesn’t come across as preachy because that was not the intention of this piece!
As well as even though I focused mainly on couples, the love languages make a world of difference in all other relationships in your life; including your family, your friendships, and yourself.
Another thing related to communication, but not quite the love languages, that I wanted to mention is that using “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements make a world of a difference in avoiding huge fights or accusations. For example, saying “I feel like you don’t appreciate me” as opposed to “you don’t appreciate me”. Do you see the difference? One opens up an avenue for discussion and one opens up defensiveness, deflection, and fighting. Plus, it just seems kinder. If you’re one to use “you” statements when trying to communicate, try replacing those with “I” statements instead and see what happens!
Do you know what your love language(s) is? How do you make it something you’re mindful about every day?