It’s only week two of The Bachelorette and it’s a mess. A man has already confessed he’s genuinely starting to fall in love with Hannah and another one is already inviting himself onto group dates. There’s pageantry, drag queens, roller derby, white clothes on a four-wheeler, and Hannah serving the hottest looks in her outfits. Buckle up, folks because the hot mess express has pulled into the station and there’s no getting off now.
Spewing BS is now considered a talent
The first group date of the season included 3 drag queens, Hannah, Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P. The point of the date was all about who would be “Mr. Right”; they were to perform for Hannah pageant style. It was all fun and games until you saw Luke P.’s face when the drag queens came out and it looked like he’s never seen a single drag queen in his life.
So, the men strut around in their speedos trying to impress Hannah. Which totally worked. Hannah is a smart girl, but some of these (messy) men are hitting her weak spot and I hope she sees the light soon – the poor girl. After the swimsuit section, came time for the men to show off their talent. John Paul Jones, much to probably everyone’s surprise, brought out a unicycle, Jed wrote a sweet song for Hannah to play guitar and sing, and then there was Luke P…
Luke P. comes up to the microphone and starts talking. Cue the sentimental music, Hannah going all heart-eyes, lies taking over Luke’s words and he tells the woman he’s, “genuinely starting to fall in love with her”. I know this is The Bachelorette we’re talking about here, but it is episode two. The man has probably had no more than 8ish hours with her and that’s being generous. But that was his talent. Lying and manipulation of Hannah’s feelings.
And he won Mr. Right. Over Jed. I’m not bitter, you are.
The BS wasn’t left out on the stage either
It’s not shocking that the gold-chain-wearing, God speaking to him in the shower man let the little sash and crown go to his head. Luke P. was, of course, the first one to steal Hannah literally as soon as she finished her toast. I hate him. The rest of the men hate him. But, sadly, Hannah does not yet. And she’s completely buying the bologna that Luke P. is selling. This man goes as far as telling Hannah that he started having feelings for her before he even met her…like…what?
But in the end, justice is served and Luke P. doesn’t get the rose of the night. And I’ve never seen men clap and be more excited about someone getting a group date rose over someone else until tonight.
Group Date Rose: Jed
I’m Awake, I’m awake…
The first one-on-one date of the season was with Tyler G. He is our Tim Tebow look-alike and who had an unfortunate first round of casting photos.
Hannah swings by the mansion to pick up Tyler G. and they fly off to their date via helicopter. Is there any other way to be transported to your date on this show? Their date was riding four-wheelers through the mud. While she wore an all-white outfit. And that would be the most exciting part of their date. I’m sure Tyler G. is a great guy, but this date was boring. I felt like we didn’t really get to know him at all. Maybe he was nervous or whatever, but I was definitely not paying close attention during this date.
Rose Accepted: Yes
Rolling right into Hannah’s heart…and the wall
The second group date of the night included strong women, a wobbly Hannah, Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter, and Garret. Hannah was looking like a smoke show in her derby outfit, but she didn’t stay on her skates long. She didn’t stay on her skates long because she had an incident when she was younger and she broke her arm or something along those lines on skates. But it was funny when she was on them and she only wobbled a little standing in one place and about 4 of the men leaned over to help her.
The men were then split up into teams. They definitely didn’t wipe the floor with their competition, but they did wipe the floor with their bodies by how much they were falling all over the place. In the end, the green team won. By this point, it was time for the night portion of the date to begin.
ABC: Always Be Coming (into dates where you don’t belong)
As you can see in the men I listed above, Cam was not a part of this date. But that didn’t stop him from making an appearance. This man comes to the date, that he wasn’t on, to bring Hannah flowers (with the plastic still on them…I mean come one, dude), kiss her, and then be on his merry way.
Except the men basically all took turns to come outside to talk to Cam when he was leaving. It was literally like the guys on the date were lining up at the door to take turns and tell Cam, “privately”, about how they didn’t appreciate that. Now, I’m not saying it was right of Cam to do that. Because it wasn’t and he’s super creepy. But it was just hilarious to see these men basically waiting to tell Cam they didn’t like his behavior. Cam was also telling the guys that any of them could do what he did. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. We all know he had to get permission from the producers to do what he did. Come on, Cam.
Group Date Rose: Dustin
The cocktail party starts off with Hannah walking in wearing a stunning red dress, crying. She said that she was overwhelmed with good and difficult feelings. I really do love Hannah as the Bachelorette, despite some of her taste in men and choosing to ignore their bright crimson red flags, but she’s just so real and amazing.
Now, thankfully, Connor S. was the first person of the night to steal Hannah, and it wasn’t Luke P. After her moment with Connor S. passes, she talks to Kevin. Kevin isn’t that impressive to me yet, but I felt bad for the dude because he was inevitably interrupted by Cam. Cam said he had something for the three of them and they all held hands in a line like they were Kindergarten and walked to the driveway.
Why Cam why…
There Cam had a pillow on the ground, flower petals in the shape of a heart, and a food tray. Cam gave Hannah chicken nuggets and honey mustard. I was super confused why this involved Kevin and I was even uncomfortable for him. Then when Cam finished his little speech, he gave the food tray to Kevin basically for him to go away and that’s the point of why he was asked to come. It was incredibly rude and weird and I do not like Cam. At all. He can take himself, his rap, and his harmonica and take it back on home.
Cam comes back in and Kevin is clearly not happy. Kevin actually throws the chicken nuggets at Cam. A twenty-seven-year-old man threw chicken nuggets at a thirty-year-old man. You literally cannot make this stuff up.
Then it was, unfortunately, time for Luke P.’s time with Hannah. He gave her a massage. He kind of unzipped her dress. She took his shirt off. He said innuendos. Jed found them and it got uncomfortable. Hannah said the F word about ten times in a row. Jed walked away. And like the weird jerk he is, Luke P. was smiling despite everyone else being uncomfortable. It almost felt like he was proud of that moment. Which is gross considering how visibly upset Hannah was.
But Jed to the rescue because they talked it out and they laughed about it.
Who Left: Connor J., Daron, and Matthew
But does it stop there? Nope! Luke P. goes into Hannah’s ITM and it gets weirdly intimate. Has anyone ever interrupted an ITM? Like how he did? I cannot recall if anyone has and I feel like that’s something I would remember. She asks him where he wants to sit and she tries to find a place where they can both sit down. But being the f-boy that he is, he tells her to just sit on his lap. Luke P. tells her that he is being 100% truthful to her when he’s saying that is falling for her. Which translates to he is 100% lying about everything he is saying. I mean he was literally talking over her until she was quiet. Too many red flags. Too many things said too early. Poor Hannah. He is not her Prince Roll Tide.
And that’s a wrap on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette. I’m still very unimpressed by anyone who isn’t pilot Peter, Jed, or Connor S. For Hannah’s sake, these men need to shape up and quit trying to play a “game”. It’s so clear that she is in it for finding a man to marry and start a life with, but some of these men are only here for the Instagram sponsorships and booking club appearances.
What are your thoughts about this week’s episode? Are you a fan of Luke P. or Cam? Who are your favorites?