On June 1, 2018, I was lucky enough to have my 10-year-old dream come true. I saw Taylor Swift on her reputation Tour. My boyfriend got us tickets which I will forever be thankful for that because he didn’t have to do that. It was the best night of my life and I very well could have passed out from my excitement. After she did her first song, my chest was beating incredibly fast. I have never felt it beat that fast before. My boyfriend can confirm this because I made him feel how fast it was going – it was insane.
I’m writing this 3 months later because I couldn’t figure out how to put into words exactly how I felt that night and since then. The first time I heard Taylor Swift, I was in my bedroom with my Hello Kitty clock radio listening to a country station and a girl came on that I never heard of before. Whatever the song was, I loved it and I was hoping they would say who it was when it was over because there obviously wasn’t Shazam at the time. Lucky for me, they did say who it was, and it was Taylor’s Teardrops on my Guitar song. From that point on, my love for her just continues to grow.
I know she is now more controversial and has done a few things I don’t agree with, but isn’t that everyone? No one is perfect and you’re not going to agree on everything that everyone does. I don’t think the controversial things that she has done are not enough to scorn her or try to belittle the incredible success she’s made for herself.
Why I love her…
What drew me to her from the beginning is the way she’s able to tell a story with such strong emotions and passion. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person, so it’s always been difficult to express my feelings. And when I tried to express how I was feeling when I was younger, my friends at the time would tell me I was being “psycho” which you can imagine that wasn’t helpful and overall messed me up a little when it came to talking about I feel.
So, growing up I didn’t have many reliable friends that I could talk to and hope they understood me. Because of that, music became my favorite thing because it’s all the words and feelings you’re not quite sure how to express but when you hear it you’re like “yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been feeling!” and Taylor’s music was and is something that has always been able to do that for me. Taylor, and of course Kelsea Ballerini, are two of the artists that are my all-time favorite and have gotten me through so many things and I would like to hug them and thank them one day.
I’ve made a playlist that you can listen to here that have all my all-time favorite songs of hers that mean the most to me for various reasons. I wanted to share a few specifics on why they mean so much to me:
“The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.”
This song changes meaning for me all the time, and it’s my absolute favorite.
All Too Well
“Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much. And maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up. Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.”
Taylor always talks about how emotional this song is for her to perform and how it’s gone from being painful to not painful because of the fans loving it so much and how much passion they sing the words to it back to her. This song still hurts my heart when I listen to it for various reasons and she sang it a show or two right before Chicago so she didn’t sing it as her surprise song, but I wish she did. This line is my favorite above it the part that I scream sing when no one is around.
“I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at 1:58. The words that you whispered for just us to know. You told me you loved me so why did you go away.”
Her breakup songs are the most painful and beautiful things ever. They’re so heartbreaking but so beautifully written. This is one of my favorite ones, but I also have to skip it a lot when it comes on shuffle because it can bring back some feelings that I don’t want to feel a lot of the time. But it’s an absolute masterpiece.
“But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause he never did. I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end but on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again.”
When I met my boyfriend, it was about 9 months after my first heartbreak and I was scared completely. I was scared of letting someone back in and taking my guard back down that was built up so high. There was a fear of getting hurt again. I knew that I never wanted to go back to where I just came out from, but I also had to be realistic with myself knowing that that might have to happen again. I will always believe in love and even though it’s scary, it’s always worth it to me. It takes some incredible strength within yourself to start over with someone new and I will admire everyone and anyone that does is able to do that.
“You, with your switching sides and your wildfire lies and your humiliation. You have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down, try to block you out ’cause I never impress you. I just want to feel okay again.”
When I was growing up, I did get bullied. Not severely, but it was a prominent part of my life. I got bullied by random girls, girls that were my friends, and a couple of family members. So, this song was one of my go-to when I was feeling upset. I learned at a very early age that being mean won’t ever get you anywhere and being mean as a result of people being mean to you won’t do any good. This song helped me understand that people that are viciously mean to you are more upset with themselves than they are with you and you just happen to be what they project those emotions on to.
New Year’s Day
“I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town babe or if you strike out and you’re crawling home. Don’t read the last page but I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or you’re making mistakes. I want your midnights but I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day.”
This song represents any true love because you’ll stand by them through the good and bad even when everyone is against them. I’m the type of person who will fiercely protect the people I love, and I won’t ever be apologetic about that. No one has a relationship that’s all sunshine and good times because it’s not healthy and it’s unrealistic.
You Are in Love
“You understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars and why I’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words.”
I’ve always been a daydreamer and obsessed with the concept of love. When I was little, I had all my dolls ‘married’ and when I played pretend by myself I was almost always pretending that I had a husband. I distinctly remember when I was in first grade I was thinking about who I would get married to and what would they look like, and I’ve done that my whole life.
When I got to be in high school, it was no longer about my dolls or playing pretend, it was trying to find that love that I grew up my whole life watching movies and reading books about. I thought I found ‘loves’ in high school and they weren’t at all. Simply there were infatuations and romanticized people in my head.
My friends all told me my standards were too high and I would never find the person I imagined in my head. So, being 15, I thought they were right and I lowered my standards. If I could go back in time and change one thing, that would be it. I lowered my standards and what I thought I was worth, and let boys treat me like actual dirt and use me in high school and accepted that that’s how it was in real life which is so wrong. I’ve also had my share of unrequited love which is also just as painful.
Now that I’m going on 21 soon, I have come to realize that even though I still daydream about getting married one day – I mean a lot of people do – that does not always mean love. I have learned that love is patient, unconditional, kind, trusting, forgiving, supportive, and having a friend in someone. How I feel about my boyfriend is the love that I have been waiting for since I was little and what I have been trying to tell people about my whole life. Oh, and I raised my standards back up to what I wanted and deserved, and I got that. So, don’t ever lower them. You’ll find what you want and need eventually.
“Why She Disappeared” by Taylor Swift
During an interlude before she sang a mash-up of New Year’s Day and Long Live, she recited a poem that came with the Target version of her album. I had never heard or read this poem before that night, and it hit me. It’s surprising that I hadn’t cried so far during the concert, but she got me during this poem and the mash-up. The poem is something that described my life up until this point and how I was feeling. I think this just shows that she is an incredible writer and someone that can take the most heartbreaking emotions and make them sound beautiful and so painful at the same time.
In 2017, I went through a darker point in my life and it was just an amazing feeling to hear that poem basically tell my life story with hers about pain and coming out of it on top and having your person standing there beside you despite it all. And the fact that my boyfriend was literally standing right there, hugging me during this part was the best point of the entire show and something that I will remember forever.
I bolded the parts that really mean something to me.
“When she fell, she fell apart.
Cracked her bones on the pavement she once decorated
as a child with sidewalk chalk
When she crashed, her clothes disintegrated and blew away
with the winds that took all of her fair-weather friends
When she looked around, her skin was spattered with ink
forming the words of a thousand voices
Echoes she heard even in her sleep:
“Whatever you say, it is not right.”
“Whatever you do, it is not enough.”
“Your kindness is fake.”
“Your pain is manipulative.”
When she lay there on the ground,
She dreamed of time machines and revenge
and a love that was really something,
Not just the idea of something.
When she finally rose, she rose slowly
Avoiding old haunts and sidestepping shiny pennies
Wary of phone calls and promises,
Charmers, dandies and get-love-quick-schemes
When she stood, she stood with a desolate knowingness
Waded out into the dark, wild ocean up to her neck
Bathed in her brokenness
Said a prayer of gratitude for each chink in the armor
she never knew she needed
Standing broad-shouldered next to her
was a love that was really something,
not just the idea of something.
When she turned to go home,
She heard the echoes of new words
“May your heart remain breakable
But never by the same hand twice”
And even louder:
“without your past,
you could never have arrived-
so wondrously and brutally,
By design or some violent, exquisite happenstance
And in the death of her reputation,
She felt truly alive.”
I feel like between finally seeing Taylor Swift live, screaming lyrics that I’ve grown up listening to that have helped me, and having someone next to me that means the world to me was an incredibly healing experience. For people that don’t really understand the healing powers of music and what it means to some people will think that’s dramatic, and that’s okay. I mean I know I can be dramatic, but I also know that I mean that with my entire being and others feel the same way.
We’ve all been through horrible times in our lives, and lost ourselves. We’ve lost people we thought would be in our lives forever. We feel broken and like a mess and we start to find our footing again. And we find the people that feel like home and want the best for us. We make mistakes, hurt, and love. We are human. This is life.
I was inspired by my friend, Carina, with her reputation Tour blog post and YouTube video to write this post. So, go check her posts out because they’re really good and some of my all-time favorites of hers!
Are you a Taylor Swift fan? If yes, what’s your favorite song? Did you see her reputation Tour?