It’s exactly one year ago that I published my first post on this blog! My first post (you can read it here) was about how I struggled with loving myself. I had been through my first heartbreak (you can also read about that story here); I felt completely lost and I just didn’t know what to do with myself or what I wanted out of life. So, I created this blog out of being depressed, lost, and lonely and because of this blog I have found myself and now I know exactly what I want out of my life.
That year has come and gone, and a lot of things have changed. My blog is just one example, I’ve completely redone it since starting it a year ago because I felt like I outgrew it. I’ve added topics that I write about, like my Bachelor recaps, but I’ve also slowed down on other aspects that even though I love them they didn’t feel like they were the best content that I could create, like beauty and fashion.
365 days later: I am happy, and I know what I want out of my life and I love who I’m becoming and I forgive myself for who I was.
My self-love journey isn’t complete. I honestly don’t think it’ll ever be finished because there is always room for improvement as a human being, but I have come a long way and it wasn’t easy. I felt like I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago because I was so concerned about making sure people liked me and wondering what they thought of me, and then I really thought about why I wanted people to like me so much. Sure, it would be nice if everyone liked me – it would make things a lot easier in life – but the truth is not everyone is going to like me and I have to be okay with that. I like me and I think my intentions with others are pure and if everyone can’t see that then oh well I’m doing the best that I can. There’s really nothing I can do about that so why do I need to worry myself sick wondering if people like me or why they don’t like me?
Of course, I am absolutely not saying that I feel 100% confident and happy every day of my life because that isn’t real either. I still have terrible days or weeks where I think the worst things about myself or my life due to anxiety or that I’m not taking the best care of myself that I could be or that I’m just being too hard on myself for being human. But compared to a year ago, I do feel so much more confident in who I am and I feel like I’ve made peace with myself as weird as that sounds. In high school, I was so mean to myself. I had friends that were mean to me and I thought, “oh well there has to be a reason they’re being mean to me so it must be my fault” and then for the next five or six years it was a weird downward spiral of negative thoughts and not really seeing my own worth. After I graduated, it did get a little better because I was no longer in that environment, but I still was so used to having a negative perspective about myself. I didn’t really notice this about me either because our generation is basically built on self-deprecating jokes and memes until I said something mean about myself aloud to my current boyfriend and he said something along the lines of that I shouldn’t say things like that about myself because they aren’t true. At the moment, I just thought oh he’s my boyfriend he has to say those nice things about me, but what he said also stayed with me and I think about it a lot and he probably doesn’t even remember saying it because it was such a small thing.
As I’m writing this, I feel really emotional because of thinking about where I was a year ago to where I am now is a lot to process. In terms of my blog, it’s nowhere even close to being on an Aspyn Ovard level, but I also recognize that it’s grown in a year which is something I should be proud of. I’ve made some of the most incredible, sweet, and supportive friends through blogging that I would never have met otherwise and I’m so thankful for them. Blogging is easily the best decision that I have ever made in my life. It’s given me some great friends when I didn’t have any friends. It’s given me a voice even if it’s in the tiniest corner of the Internet that people don’t really care about it. It’s given me the reassurance that I am not even close to being alone in things that I struggle with when I thought I was. Blogging can be something that stresses me out or flares up my anxiety sometimes but it’s probably the best outlet for me when I do have those feelings – if that even makes sense.
What’s even weirder to me is that there are people that actually read my blog and I like what I write. A couple weeks ago, I took a break from everything and I wasn’t posting anything at all and I really didn’t think anyone would notice. But I had a few people reach out to me and ask if everything was okay and it made me tear up a little bit because there were people that noticed and cared that I wasn’t posting anything. I feel like I say that I love and appreciate all the sweet comments and support all the time, but I really do mean it.
Since it’s my blog’s first birthday which is super exciting to me I needed to take some time to be sappy and thank three of my favorite people that have been nothing but supportive of me with my blog:
Max: Before I met Max, I didn’t really like to talk about my blog in “real” life, and if it’s not with him I still don’t like talking about it to people I know. I felt like, and still kinda do, that most people in my life didn’t really understand how much work and love I put into this. But when I met Max I felt like I could tell him about it and he never thought it was stupid and he recognized the effort that I put into this. He helps me take 90% of my pictures which I always used to feel weird asking people to help me take pictures because I didn’t want people to think that I was self-absorbed. So, babe if you happen to read this, hi thank you for being so supportive and loving and patient with me – even when I’m having a breakdown that I don’t feel like I’m good enough or look like Instagram girls you bring me back to reality and that it’s not important and that I’m beautiful, too. You’re great and I love you.
Coral: Coral was my first genuine friend that I made when I started blogging and I am so SO thankful that the universe brought her into my life. She’s dealt with a lot of panic-filled texts about blogging and real-life problems that I couldn’t be more grateful for. Her blog is also goals, it’s literally so pretty and her writing is absolutely fantastic. She was the person that I learned about what an INFJ was and was so positive about being an introvert when I had grown up thinking that it was a weakness. So, in a way she helped me learn more about myself which just learning more about those two things have been life-changing for me. She’s just the sweetest person ever. Oh, and we can talk about The Bachelor together which is the best thing ever. I love and appreciate her a lot.
Carina: Carina is my favorite person to talk about our Taylor Swift obsession. She has such a fun YouTube channel and her blog is just filled with beautiful posts that I wish I could write something as amazing as she does. I just can never thank her enough for being so kind and sweet to me. I’m so thankful for and love you a lot, girl!
I’m really thankful for this blog and the blogging community, and the amount of positive support and messages that I have received in the past year is literally the nicest thing and something I never expected to happen.
In my first post, I wrote a line that is still my favorite thing that I have ever written and I still stand by it, in a relationship or not: Invest in yourself, just like you invest in someone else in a relationship.
You are just as important to take care of as you do for your significant other, and you are just as important to take care of yourself when you’re not in a relationship. Learning to love and accept yourself is really freaking hard, but when you get to a point where you’re filled with self-love it is the most freeing feeling ever. And it’s something you do for you. I know my family and Max has helped me through some really hard times, but at the end of the day, I was the one who made the decision to keep going when I could have just not. It’s great to have outside support, but you need to help you above all else.
I’ve read that our generation is too focused on self-love and self-care but I don’t agree with that. You can’t pour from an empty cup and it’s not selfish to put yourself first sometimes.
I’m excited that I’ve reached the milestone of a year blogging and I’m even more excited to see what will happen with my blog a year from now!