I ran out of his house with tears streaming down my face. Never to turn down a street again that I’ve come to know like the back of my hand. After a week of dragging out a breakup, a year and a half was over in the blink of an eye. In 2019, I’ve had to move on from two homes: my childhood home and the person who felt just like home. Heartbreak isn’t any fun.
I truthfully never thought that I would be here again. And maybe that was far too naive of me to think. But I really thought that I had found my person that I was meant to be with forever. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that my last boyfriend was it for me and I’ve never felt that way before. To be fair, we both said this was it and there wasn’t anyone else we were meant to be with multiple times. As cheesy as it sounds, I (or rather we at the time) believed we were soulmates. I believed that with my whole heart. Turns out, he didn’t. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, I briefly talked about my breakup from my boyfriend a couple of months ago in a life update.
“Maybe it’s true that you know when you know. And then again, maybe you don’t.”
I really hoped with every fiber of my being that I wouldn’t have to go through another heartbreak again. I remember pacing my living room back and forth, minutes away from a panic attack, crying when I knew things weren’t looking good – between cryptic and ominous texts and mixed messages – I kept telling my mom that I could not and did not want to go through a breakup again. It was far too overwhelming for me to handle last time. It made me not get out of bed for a month. I felt like absolute garbage and the pain was terrible. I just did not want to have to lose him or go through that again.
However, I am going through another breakup again. For those of you who have been around long enough to have read about my first heartbreak, let me just preface this by saying I rather go through that break up again. It was child’s play compared to what I’ve been going through the past few months.
This breakup has been the most debilitating. I have felt depleted and anxious for months to the point where trying to get myself to do anything other than lay around is a struggle. If I take a shower and accomplish homework in one day, it feels like the biggest accomplishment ever. There has never been a point in my life where all I wanted to do was lay down and do nothing. I couldn’t even sleep. Truthfully, I’m still struggling to sleep well or find the energy to do anything. I’m still trying to come to terms with what happened. And it still hurts a lot.
So, here’s the reality of a heartbreak you never saw coming:
The force of feelings I’ve been experiencing scares me, to be honest. It’s overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. The joke of all of this is that I laid everything out on the table when we first started dating about how I was hurt before and didn’t want him to promise me that he wouldn’t hurt me. But he did promise that. Then broke that promise.
It’s 10:00 AM, you wake up and see that he’s slowly removing you from his life. The Instagram pictures are coming down, unfollowing and unfriending commences. It’s only been about a week.
It’s 2:30 PM, you haven’t gotten out of bed in a week as you mindlessly stare at your computer screen watching Friends. But your mind isn’t really there. In fact, your mind is anywhere but where you physically are.
It’s 1:30 AM, you’re drunk, and tears are streaming down your face. It’s been two months since you broke up and you haven’t contacted him but you break and scroll down to his name and you call him. And you call him. And you call him. Again and again. Over and over. He never picks up. You never hear back. You never call him again.
It’s posting to your Instagram and Snapchat story and constantly checking to see who views it because you hope that he’s missing you too and checking to see what you’re doing, too. When he doesn’t, it hurts. When he does, it hurts and gives you a small bit of hope that you cling to.
It’s writing close to a hundred journal entries trying to make sense of everything and your feelings but it never makes you feel any better.
It was dealing with people that didn’t like you and caused you so much anxiety because you loved him and wanted him to be happy.
It’s blocking his entire family and friends and other women involved in his life because they’re looking at your social media. But in case it wasn’t clear, I wasn’t ever going to bash someone publicly who was once everything to me.
It’s feeling like you’re constantly going crazy and having several panic attacks a week and then when you tell people what happened you realize how messed up it was when you see someone else’s reaction to what you considered to be normal.
It’s endless nights crying and getting angry because you don’t know what went wrong or where it went wrong. You don’t even know why he left when everything was always so good and you talked about moving and getting married in just a few months.
It’s your birthday and you’re sitting in class just for him to text you “Happy Birthday” so you leave class in tears. Then you’re driving home that same day and what used to be your favorite song came on but you can’t listen to it anymore because it was the song you first danced to and was supposed to be your wedding song.
It’s sitting in class and at work and the tears just start streaming because everything is just too much.
It’s having such realistic dreams that he’s still in your life. But waking up and realizing he’s long gone.
It’s typing out a thousand different texts but never hitting send because not hearing back would be even worse.
It’s doing stupid things that are completely out of your character because you want to feel anything. Anything but sadness and fill the absence of the one who told you they’d never leave you.
It’s going to parties even though you hate them but you saw he was out with his friends and you weren’t going to be the loser at home crying on a Saturday night.
All of these monumental occasions are happening in your life and you are not happy because the person who means the most to you isn’t there and you can’t even tell them about it because quite frankly, they probably do not care. And it sucks.
It’s been months and I still sleep with my ringer on loudly. Just in case.
I know I deserve better but that doesn’t mean I don’t still miss him
And here’s the thing, I know I don’t deserve to be with someone who has hurt me like this (twice…). However, that doesn’t stop my heart from missing him, loving him, and simultaneously not liking him that much right now quite honestly. There are days when I wish I never met him, but in all honesty, I’m happy I met him. I am happy that I was able to love him and he loved me back even if it wasn’t forever. I had some of the most magical moments of my life with him and I’m forever thankful for that. I’ll never be sorry for loving him but I hated the ending. It was sudden and hurtful.
Unlike the last post I did about heartbreak, I have no lessons learned out of this yet. Even though it was nearly five months ago but it still feels fresh and the pain is still very prominent. I’m even hesitant to post this because he could easily read this. I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to bash him. Because I’m not and I hope if he or his family reads this they do not think that because I loved that boy with my entire heart. If this post can help or even comfort another hurt soul that’s all I’m trying to accomplish. I still wish him the very best in his life.
“But I’d rather fall apart than love half-hearted.”
I wish I had an answer to what happened. But I honestly don’t know because I never got an answer about it. And I’m not even close to being over this or him yet. So, I don’t know what’s on the other side of this – it could be my husband or another heartbreak (let’s hope not, sheesh).
At the end of the day, heartbreak is an absolute bitch, for lack of a better word. No one deserves to be put through these horrible emotions. But at least we come out better and stronger people and get into even more beautiful and healthy relationships. Here’s to figuring out the next step.