Bachelor Nation, The Bachelorette

Will You Accept This Recap? | Season 14, Episode 5

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And so, the curtain falls on the feud (maybe romance?) that is Jordan vs. David. But then again, knowing how the producers feed off things like this, I’m sure we’ll see them in paradise in a few weeks.

I was irritated this whole episode because there was just too much drama for me. I wanted to see more of Becca and Garrett and Blake and Becca. But if there was no drama tonight I probably would have also complained that it was boring so there’s that.

The Princess and the Virgin

The first one-on-one of the night was with Colton and they rode on some camels…in Vegas. Because when you got to Vegas you ride camels, right? I know in my first couple of recaps I was 100% team Colton and I felt that the two should just be a done deal and call it a night. But, amongst all the Tia drama and other drama that has ensued since the show wrapped production, he has found his way at the bottom of my list for people for Becca. However, even though he’s not my front-runner for Becca that doesn’t mean that I don’t like him anymore. I still think he’s a pretty decent guy and fun to look at on the show. The boy is good-looking, and he knows it, but he isn’t an ass about it (*cough* Jordan *cough*).

Their date was boring to me because when I see him now all I can think about is him and Tia so I’m kinda over them. My heart does hurt for her though because she says how much she likes him and trusts him. And despite if this bombshell ends up on air or not, and for the sake of Becca I hope ABC doesn’t do that to her again, it’s going to hurt her in some way or another.

On the date, Colton’s camel didn’t want to stroll lovingly next to Becca’s, but that’s okay because the ever famous random-hot-tub-in-the-middle-of-nowhere made the first appearance of the season and Becca straddles him to make up for it.

The dinner portion of the date was Colton most likely talking about his breakup with the gymnast, Aly Raisman. Basically, saying that he associates ‘pain’ with ‘love’ because she didn’t say I love you back to him when he said it I guess. Which is rather sad. I felt bad for him. I’m sure we can all imagine how unrequited love would feel. Becca feels bad, they make out some more, and she gives him the rose.

He hasn’t told her he’s a virgin yet, but the producers add a nice little nod towards it when the B-roll before the date is playing they zoom in on the “Virgin River” sign.

Rose Received: Yes

Another Songwriting Date

The group date of the night was another songwriting/terrible singing date because I guess the producers got nothing so they’re already reusing date ideas from the current season. But this one had Wayne Newton…who I only recall from that one episode of Full House. Did y’all notice Wayne kissed his wife with eyes wide open…weird.

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So, all the men got dressed to the nines in their tuxes and then they had to write and perform a love song about Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen; which I had to look up what that even meant and in German, it means ‘thank you very much’. You learned something new today if you didn’t know that already, you’re welcome.

All the songs were terrible, and the singing was even worse and cringe-y, but it was also kinda cute seeing them all nervous on stage singing to her and a bunch of strangers who were less than supportive of them. Except for Eddie, sorry I mean Chris. Chris grew this whole new egotistical attitude and felt he was far more superior than all the other guys because he already had a date like this. Like okay congrats dude, now calm down. You’re not gonna make it much longer on the show anyways.

It’s time for self-righteous Chris to take the stage and he feels like he’s just going to blow Becca’s and the crowd’s socks right off because he criticized all the other guys’ performance saying what they did wrong and how he was going to be so much better. In his song he mentions Arie, and at this point in the season if one more person mentions him they should just be kicked off automatically. I’m over it and I’m sure Becca doesn’t want to keep being reminded of it. Oh, and then he proclaims himself as one of her top runners.

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Chris then throws a hissy-fit at the cocktail party when he is just SHOCKED that he didn’t get the group date rose even after his stellar performance despite him making the choice to not try to get time with Becca and said something along the lines that she should have made him feel wanted or something like that. Dude, you’re on The Bachelorette, she ain’t got time to come to you. The whole premise of the show is for a bunch of mediocre dudes fighting over a girl that’s probably too good for them anyways. But go off, I guess.

And then there was Blake. Sweet, sweet Blake who is yet again the angel that brings romance to the night among the drama. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her which had me all giddy BUT THEN BECCA SAYS IN HER ITM THAT SHE’S FALLING FOR HIM AND KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING. Which then I got even giddier. I just love love, guys. It’s a beautiful thing.

Group Date Rose: Blake

Hey, Hey, Hey Goodbye

It finally happened, guys. Another iconic two-on-one date down in Bachelor history. This date was so annoying because it was just straight bickering the whole freaking time. I did find myself rooting for Jordan though because from what he was saying and how he was saying it he seemed pretty genuine. Then there was David. He seemed like a weasel who was probably relying on the sympathy card from falling out of bed because when Jordan asked him to please tell him when Jordan said he was settling for Becca he basically was like oh you know that one time when we were all talking that one time during that one conversation. So, that seemed like he was lying to get ahead. But then again, maybe Jordan was too and he’s just a better liar. I guess we’ll never know.

Becca then basically said she feels like she’s in middle school because that’s how bad the arguing was. Unbearable. At the end of the day date portion, she leaves with Jordan and leaves behind David in true two-on-one fashion alone in a desert.

David calls Jordan a clown one last time in his ITM and says that Becca is missing out on someone with a great heart…yeah okay I’m sure she’s missing someone who can’t stop obsessing over another guy that really isn’t affecting him. I’ll say this again and again: no one who says they’re a good guy with pure intentions is ever a good guy with pure intentions.

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At this point, I’m like okay Jordan I see you, you’re not going to be here much longer, but you are just silly and here to make us laugh. No real harm being done. And I’m going to be honest, he got me a little bit with his sob story about his childhood. He mentions David one last time and Becca is like okay enough, let’s stop talking about him and get to know each other. So, he asks her what a weekend looks like for her. She tells him and then asks him the same thing. And then it was teaching Becca how to model and male model this, me that, skincare blah blah blah. He then got SO excited about talking about himself and modeling that he said that he wishes he had his portfolio to show her. Becca, who is probably bored to tears, sarcastically replies to him by saying “somebody please”. Which was funny because you know he didn’t even notice she was joking.

But in the end, Jordan got the boot too and Becca watched fireworks alone.

Two-on-One Rose: None

The Chris Show…I Mean Rose Ceremony

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Someone PLEASE show Chris the door and let it hit him on the way out because something snapped inside that man last night and his ego and sense of entitlement shot up out of nowhere. We got no other conversation really at this cocktail party because it was the crazy Eddie, I mean Chris, show. But for real, not only does Chris look like Eddie from Friends but he’s really starting to act like the dude, too!

He first sits down with Becca and proceeds to tell her that she owes him 50 thousand kisses. First of all, she doesn’t owe you anything and you can clearly tell she was taken back by that comment because she was confused and didn’t know why he said that or what she may have done to make him say that. He then kept getting more insane telling her to look into his eyes as he was saying that she liked him and how he doesn’t know how she can’t believe him if he’s saying the words. Well, my good sir, actions speak louder than words and she just sent home one crazy dude last week who was just saying things she wanted to hear. Give the girl a break. Also, you’re creepy. Please stop. He literally says, “I like this girl and she’s doubting me” and “she won’t look me in the eyes”. Yikes.

So, then he goes away and we see Becca having a lovely time with Wills. A pure and wholesome man. And then Chris comes back and is pestering both of them until Wills gives him two minutes with her. Wills times him and then comes back and politely asks him to gtfo. To which Chris just is not having it and keeps telling him that his conversation with Becca is important and he wants more time. Becca intervenes after a couple minutes of Chris pleading and Wills just saying no and that she’d come to get Chris after she was done talking to Wills. We love Wills.

As promised, and so Chris’ head wouldn’t explode, she comes to get him to finish their talk as promised. From the conversation they had, it was clear he was going home.

But not really. Venmo John got done dirty just like Trader Joe did. The injustice this season is impeccable. Also, her judgment seems to be a little whacked but who am I to judge.

Who Left: John

Jordan & David’s Best Lines of the Night

One last time, here are the best lines that came out of both of their mouths tonight:

  • “Take his golden underpants elsewhere” – David
  • “David can’t control my realness” – Jordan
  • “I exposed him as the golden underpants clown” – David
  • “Being me is greatest power” – Jordan
  • I can speak. I can walk.” – Jordan
  • “Ran his beak too much and got his head chopped off” – Jordan
  • “Lying b***h rat ass mother******” – Jordan
  • “You’re worse than Arie, dude” – Jordan

And so there you have it, another dramatic Monday has come to a conclusion and I want to hear your thoughts!

Will Chris have a meltdown next week? How annoying do you think The Men Tell All is going to be? Who are your three front-runners right now?

Be sure to follow me on Twitter because I live tweet the show every Monday night and I got sucked into The Proposal, too.

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